Do you remember being asked that question throughout elementary school? I recall being asked that every year. Sometimes a few times a year. Maybe some kids had to think about it and wonder what they were good at or want they wanted in life. But me, I always had three answers to that question. Sometimes just picking one of the three but most of the time I would write the trio.

1. A teacher – Probably kindergarten. I think I would have been good at it, and I don’t say that too often about myself. I find the thought of filling little children’s brains with information or teaching them songs to sing exciting. Teaching them how to read would be one of my favorites. I was my niece’s pre-school teacher (she likes to call me that) and she was reading Harry Potter before kindergarten. She carried “The Chamber of Secrets” into her classroom on her first day so maybe I am somewhat good. Oddly, my favorite thing was teaching her ending punctuations. And then there is teaching them to use their imaginations. “Oh, the places you’ll go!”. Educating them that they can go anywhere and do anything if only they used their imagination. I love watching little kids (not in a creepy way) play by themselves. Seeing the little minions’ eyes and hands moving pretending and playing out whatever scenario they are making up in their tiny noggins.

2. Waitress – Mainly because my mom was one. I thought she was awesome, so I wanted to be her. Fun fact: I was one for about a year and I sucked. Hold on, I didn’t suck at the actual job itself. If you needed bleu cheese you would have had that bleu cheese in your hands within seconds. It was the people-y aspect about it where things went downhill. “Hi, I’m Carrie. I’ll be taking care of you today. The specials are…” blah blah blah. That was not my thing. That normally would affect the tip a bit.

3. A mom.

The third one being the most important. I was involved in raising a nephew, but I was way too young to know what the hell I was doing. I was and still am involved with raising my niece. So, I have had the experience, but I never had a child of my own. And that’s a big regret that I will carry with me forever.

I thought I was pregnant twice. Of course, I freaked out at first. But then once that past, it was something I wanted. Now, thinking back I am thankful that the tests were negative. The fathers would have been nightmares to deal with and mentally damaging. I even wondered if I was pregnant if I would even tell the one guy that I was. I didn’t want my child to be wrecked in an emotional way. I knew it would happen because he was already a father and the kid, let’s just say, she was a pain in the ass and obviously had some issues and more were to come given his parenting style and his lack of caring. The second guy I have recently acknowledged would be just as bad. We were on and off for many many years and I finally realized recently that he was not want I wanted or needed. He is also a father and his parenting is questionable. I heard how he speaks to his daughter and she doesn’t talk to him every other day because of something he did or said. Also, I would never want my child to witness the way he spoke and treated me.

I’m not sure if I have ever told anyone about this one. It’s personal and a bit sad to think about. But once I had a phantom pregnancy. The tests were negative, but I was having symptoms that were telling me they should have been positive. I even went to the doctors to make sure. And sure enough, there were symptoms, but I wasn’t pregnant. He explained to me what a phantom pregnancy was and it all made sense. There were a few people where I was working pregnant around the same time and I was jealous. It was something I wanted so bad that my mind made my body think I was having a baby. Crazy, isn’t it? The mind is a powerful entity.

I did say once that I didn’t want to have kids. I battle a few mental health issues, and I was afraid that they would be passed on. Later on in life, I tried convincing myself that I no longer wanted a kid, but I was lying to myself.

I do have trouble sometimes going in or even walking by the baby toy aisle at stores and the clothing sections are even worse. It reminds me that there is something missing. A big something. And I will always carry remorse within me. Some days its heavy. Other days it’s just hanging around. But it’s there.

Who knows what will happen down the road. I could meet someone who already has kids (I would be an awesome stepmom, just saying.) or adoption, surrogacy. There is a very very low chance of it happening the natural way. My mind says yes but my body is like “Shut up, you old hag.”

Or I will always have that hole in my heart where it should be filled by someone, and I will just have to let it be.

I think I’m having a midlife crisis.

I’ll See You in my Dreams

I’ve had two dreams that made me believe in reincarnation. I had a hard time believing in it, but these dreams told me that it is what it is.

The first dream was from way back in the day. I was wearing a long black dress with ruffles around the collar and wrists. I was stuck. Stuck in a vertical wooden box with small shapes of circles and stars cut out of the sides in multiple places. I was in there with another woman and two young girls, all wearing black and the same type of clothes like me. They were hysterical. The young girls were loudly crying to where I couldn’t hear what was being sad outside. The other woman was trying to soothe them and saying that it will all be alright. It wouldn’t be because I peered through one of the star-shaped holes and saw a group of men standing feet apart, laughing like maniacs. Some holding bottles of what I could only guess were filled with liquor. Some were holding sticks with the ends on fire. Some were holding both. I could only assume that our lives would end soon. And they did. The men holding the flaming sticks and bottles walked closer to the box splashed the remaining liquid of whatever it was all over the box some getting through the holes and hitting us inside. Then one held the flame at the star I was staring out of, and it began to burn. They set us on fire. We all screamed. The heat was outrageous. We held on tightly to each other as we went up in flames.

Then I woke up.

I was sitting on a plane in the next dream. I was a male this time (If there are two cousins in particular reading this…shut up). I wore a light teal dress shirt with its cuffs rolled up, a big black watch and a pair of khakis. Not the greatest outfit but I digress. I sat in the back of the plane in an aisle seat. Suddenly, the plane’s nose started to point downwards and we rapidly descended. I held onto the armrest trying to remain in my seat, with my eyes closed tightly and my mouth clenched. We suddenly crashed into trees. I felt every branch hit me I felt the heat from the fire ball when we smashed into the ground.

Then I woke up.

I felt that they were real because of the sensations. The wetness from the liquor, the heat from the fires, the branches hitting me. Those two dreams had me believing in the slightest chance of reincarnation.

But now my mind has been changed forever.

About a year ago, as I laid on the couch trying not to fall asleep waiting for my niece to text me that she was done hanging out with her marching band buddies at the restaurant down the street, I was fighting the urge to fall asleep. My eyes kept closing and I kept jolting myself awake. Eventually though my subconscious took over and I was in limbo between awake and asleep. And that is where the most incredible and amazing moment happened that has changed me forever.

First things first, my grandmom passed away almost 26 years ago. She was a beautiful person inside and out. She is one of the people in my life that taught me what unconditional love is without needing to explain or say anything. My mom’s cousin Judy, or as I liked to call her Julia Margaret McCarty who passed away in 2020, was a lovely person as well. She was almost angelic-like. Actually, I could use that word for both of them. Even though they had faults, their innocence and beauty reigned over them. I think of Judy every time I pick up my car keys because I have a keychain of hers and well, my grandmom pops in my mind all the time.

Back to the story…I was lying on the couch half in and half out of sleep. Oh, one more thing. I was going through a very difficult time. I was feeling awfully down and definitely deep in depression, so I was probably laying on that couch all day feeling empty.

Again, back to the story…half in, half out. Then I was suddenly standing in someone’s kitchen. It didn’t look familiar to me but in this scenario, I looked quite comfortable standing there talking to someone with a drink in my hand. I heard calls coming from the other room. I could tell it was my mom, my grandmom, and Judy’s voices. I walked into the room where they sat at a small table that was low to the ground. I can see it vividly. My mom was sitting on the floor on the opposite side of the table wearing a red shirt. My grandmom was wearing a dark blue shirt and light blue pants. She was sitting at the other end of the table from my mom and right next to her was Judy, wearing a dark purple tweed jacket with a knee-length black skirt, leggings and Mary Jane’s. She was kneeling down beside Grandmom. The three of them all had smiles on their faces and were waving me over and saying that they wanted to give me something. I knelt down beside Judy as my mom pulled something from a gray-ish gold bag. A bit bigger than a coin purse. She put the object in her cupped hands (like the picture above. I didn’t know how to describe that, so I found a picture to make it easier for everyone.) and held it out to me. Then, I saw two other pairs of hands do the same thing. It was at that moment when I looked over at my grandmom and Judy and realized they were truly there. I saw them obviously before. But at that moment I opened my eyes to the fact that they passed away a long time ago, and they were sitting there beautifully next to me. I looked at them, said their names and crumbled into them sobbing like a little child. Sound dissipated. They wrapped their arms around me as the trio of us rocked back and forth weeping. I sat up still crying and instantly my head flew back, and I let out a wail which was the only sound I heard during that incredible moment. Then, the brightest white light I have ever seen lit up the room. When I pulled my head back up, they were gone.

Then I woke up.

To me that wasn’t a dream. It was a visit. They came to me at a moment when I needed to feel something. Not just them tangibly but their hearts, their souls, and their love.

It was the most powerful, spiritual, and impassioned emotion I have ever experienced. I had trouble falling asleep that night because I knew that I wasn’t going to experience that again and I wanted too so badly.

Truly life changing because now I know for certain that life doesn’t end here. I have no question whatsoever. I will be seeing the people that I lost during this journey of life again. They will be near me when I’m passing to help me cross over. Once I’m there, I will see my pets run to me from the meadow at the Rainbow Bridge. We will all be together again.

You know what drives me insane though? The fact I didn’t see what they were trying to give me. All three had their hands out to show me. But noooooo, I had to realize that dead people were near me. So, Grandmom and Julia Margaret McCarty, if you could please visit me again and give me the damn thing, I would really appreciate it.

Sunsets are one of the most beautiful things your eyes can catch a glimpse of. The colors of yellows, oranges, pinks, blues, purples all blending together on their edges to make a new color is a natural piece of artwork that surpasses all and any art on canvas in any museum. The changing of hues is amazing to watch. When I see a good one I sit back and truly appreciate the beauty.

The beauty is wildflowers are the colors of course; the variety is astounding and the fact that they grow wherever the fuck they want even in the driest of all dirt is enviable. Something shitty breeds something beautiful. Some people see them as a nuisance, some find them alluring. Kind of like me. Just kidding. Just kidding.

I recently saw that in the bible they are mentioned. (You would think by this blog I am some kind of bible thumper but I’m really not. I’m just doing some research.)

I used good ole’ Google AI for this info…

Luke 12:27-28 (also in Matthew 6:28-30), where Jesus says, “Consider how the wildflowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these”

Key Scriptures and Themes:

• Luke 12:27-28 (NIV): Highlights God’s provision and care, suggesting that if He clothes the “grass of the field” so beautifully, He will surely care for people.
• Matthew 6:28-30 (NLT): Focuses on overcoming worry, telling believers to look at the lilies of the field.
• Psalm 103:15-17 (NIV): Compares human life to the fleeting beauty of a wildflower, highlighting the contrast with God’s everlasting love.
• Song of Songs 2:12 (NIV): Uses the blooming of flowers to symbolize new beginnings and hope. 

“These verses are often used to remind readers to trust in God’s care and to not worry about daily needs.” 

Makes you see them in a different light, right?

I have a whole list of favorite things. I first started the list when I was in the psych ward of all places. Being surrounded by medicated zombies walking around (I’m not talking shit. I was a zombie at times also), going to group therapy as they spoke about how life is worth living, and speaking to therapists individually who treated you like all patients were in the same category, people who don’t know personal space, and others that don’t know the “Don’t even try to talk to me look” on my face, I would take my mind elsewhere mentally. Fly away to thoughts of positivity in hopes it shields me from the negative crap. Didn’t work often but sometimes it did and I appreciated those moments.

One day it touched down in the land of my favorite things. Here’s some more in no specific order…

• The Beatles. Lennon being my fave.
• Crunchy fall leaves and stepping on them.
• The sound of a half empty can of spray paint being shaken.
• The smell outside right before it rains or snows.
• When my pets snore.
• When my cat reaches out for me as he falls asleep.
• When I’m sitting on the wrong couch in the morning and my dog barks at me to move to my normal spot. She likes routine.
• The beginning notes of a song I like or haven’t heard in a while.
• A “Damn, that was good” moment in a song; The cymbals in “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac, “I’m a drummer girl who can’t keep her beat” and then Max goes off beat in “Waiting on a Sunny Day” by Bruce, in “Michelle” when Paul at any time says “find”, the raspiness in John’s voice during “Twist and Shout”, James Taylor “That’s Why I’m Here” when he sings “seems like lightning struck”. Need I mention the guitar solo in “Purple Rain”? Those are the ones that came to mind as I was writing.
• Freshly cut grass (except when I have to do the mowing)
• Trees. Of all kinds and minus the leaves or not.
• Animals besides mice, rats, snakes, frogs and especially emus/ostriches
• The smell of flowers.
• When I make people laugh and I’m not trying to.
• Christmas Eve (This year I was so excited to be home for the holidays that I went a little too hard on the Jello shots. So maybe this year wasn’t the best)
• Opening presents, even if I don’t like what I got.
• Hanging framed pictures. Just the other day I hung up pictures from cruises that I went on 3 years ago and, man, did my mind fly back to those awesome moments. Brought memories back to life.
• Any form of water I can swim in.
• Rainy days. But not 3 days in a row. I’ve realized that 3 is my limit.
• The perfect peach, pear, or plum. A bit crisp on the outside but soft in the inside.
• My ancestry. It’s cool to look backwards. Oddly, I like to go ancestry hunting which is when my sister Kelly and I find family members from the past in their final resting place in a cemetery. A little weird I’m sure but totally normal for me.
• Traveling.
• The smell as you get closer to the ocean (even the Jersey shore).
• Mugs especially ones with funny saying. I have a collection.
• The smell of coffee brewing.
• When I remember to set up the coffee machine the night before so all I have to do is press a button in the morning.

So, there’s the list no one asked for. Maybe you learned a little bit more about me. Maybe you didn’t. Maybe you don’t give a shit. Maybe I don’t give a shit that you don’t give a shit.

But that’s the reason I named this blog what I did. Two things that bring me joy.

Oh, I almost forgot one…

• Being out of the psych ward.

Music speaks to me. It’s my best friend sometimes. Changes my mood when it needs to. Comforts me when I need it. Says things I want to say when my brain is spinning too fast.

So, I’m going to post some. Some are the way I feel. Some are my thoughts. Some are just damn good lyrics.

Lyrics of the Day

Music speaks to me. It’s my best friend sometimes. Changes my mood when it needs to. Comforts me when I need it. Says things I want to say when my brain is spinning too fast.

So, I’m going to post some. Some are the way I feel. Some are my thoughts. Some are just damn good lyrics.

Music speaks to me. It's my best friend sometimes. Changes my mood when it needs to. Comforts me when I need it. Says things I want to say when my brain is spinning too fast.

So, I'm going to post some. Some are the way I feel. Some are my thoughts. Some are just damn good lyrics.