What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

Do you remember being asked that question throughout elementary school? I recall being asked that every year. Sometimes a few times a year. Maybe some kids had to think about it and wonder what they were good at or want they wanted in life. But me, I always had three answers to that question. Sometimes just picking one of the three but most of the time I would write the trio.

1. A teacher – Probably kindergarten. I think I would have been good at it, and I don’t say that too often about myself. I find the thought of filling little children’s brains with information or teaching them songs to sing exciting. Teaching them how to read would be one of my favorites. I was my niece’s pre-school teacher (she likes to call me that) and she was reading Harry Potter before kindergarten. She carried “The Chamber of Secrets” into her classroom on her first day so maybe I am somewhat good. Oddly, my favorite thing was teaching her ending punctuations. And then there is teaching them to use their imaginations. “Oh, the places you’ll go!”. Educating them that they can go anywhere and do anything if only they used their imagination. I love watching little kids (not in a creepy way) play by themselves. Seeing the little minions’ eyes and hands moving pretending and playing out whatever scenario they are making up in their tiny noggins.

2. Waitress – Mainly because my mom was one. I thought she was awesome, so I wanted to be her. Fun fact: I was one for about a year and I sucked. Hold on, I didn’t suck at the actual job itself. If you needed bleu cheese you would have had that bleu cheese in your hands within seconds. It was the people-y aspect about it where things went downhill. “Hi, I’m Carrie. I’ll be taking care of you today. The specials are…” blah blah blah. That was not my thing. That normally would affect the tip a bit.

3. A mom.

The third one being the most important. I was involved in raising a nephew, but I was way too young to know what the hell I was doing. I was and still am involved with raising my niece. So, I have had the experience, but I never had a child of my own. And that’s a big regret that I will carry with me forever.

I thought I was pregnant twice. Of course, I freaked out at first. But then once that past, it was something I wanted. Now, thinking back I am thankful that the tests were negative. The fathers would have been nightmares to deal with and mentally damaging. I even wondered if I was pregnant if I would even tell the one guy that I was. I didn’t want my child to be wrecked in an emotional way. I knew it would happen because he was already a father and the kid, let’s just say, she was a pain in the ass and obviously had some issues and more were to come given his parenting style and his lack of caring. The second guy I have recently acknowledged would be just as bad. We were on and off for many many years and I finally realized recently that he was not want I wanted or needed. He is also a father and his parenting is questionable. I heard how he speaks to his daughter and she doesn’t talk to him every other day because of something he did or said. Also, I would never want my child to witness the way he spoke and treated me.

I’m not sure if I have ever told anyone about this one. It’s personal and a bit sad to think about. But once I had a phantom pregnancy. The tests were negative, but I was having symptoms that were telling me they should have been positive. I even went to the doctors to make sure. And sure enough, there were symptoms, but I wasn’t pregnant. He explained to me what a phantom pregnancy was and it all made sense. There were a few people where I was working pregnant around the same time and I was jealous. It was something I wanted so bad that my mind made my body think I was having a baby. Crazy, isn’t it? The mind is a powerful entity.

I did say once that I didn’t want to have kids. I battle a few mental health issues, and I was afraid that they would be passed on. Later on in life, I tried convincing myself that I no longer wanted a kid, but I was lying to myself.

I do have trouble sometimes going in or even walking by the baby toy aisle at stores and the clothing sections are even worse. It reminds me that there is something missing. A big something. And I will always carry remorse within me. Some days its heavy. Other days it’s just hanging around. But it’s there.

Who knows what will happen down the road. I could meet someone who already has kids (I would be an awesome stepmom, just saying.) or adoption, surrogacy. There is a very very low chance of it happening the natural way. My mind says yes but my body is like “Shut up, you old hag.”

Or I will always have that hole in my heart where it should be filled by someone, and I will just have to let it be.

I think I’m having a midlife crisis.